I can't believe how long its been since I've posted on here. I've been longing for the days when the kids were little and I was able to stay home with them. I used to feel guilty, thinking I should be working...not realizing how eternal the price for what I was doing.I have many regrets, things I wish I would have done, should have done, didn't do. When I wake, I'm full of hope..the new day, sun rising, shaking off it's cloak of darkness. Then I get caught up in the sea of people, bitter, complaining, clawing to get to the top, the me, me, me gale force wind that sucks me in and under until I don't know who I am anymore. What am I going to say when I stand before the KING of KINGS? Was I a good mom? I don't know. What is a good mom? Was I a good wife..sometimes...did I show Christ to the people I work with..doesn't seem like I do. Life is so short. I know I haven't used what He's given me wisely. I spent to much time wasting time. And yet, I'm so tired. I don't know how people live with a Savior to run to. Here I come again, Lord..

A Prison

I've just come to the realization that I've been in a prison. The bars are of my own making, the windowless room, my home. I've let dreams be squashed, opportunities go by and all because I've chosen to listen to the voice of an old friend who hates me. I fear, I fear. I fear I'll never accomplish anything in life, I fear my children won't be able to say one good thing about me, I fear failure as a wife, but most of all I fear that I'll not have anything to lay at my Savior's feet. I let this fear rob me continually, all my life. Joy is fleeting, laughter scarce. Where is the joy in my salvation? I let fear swallow it up and yet, and yet I'm racing toward the tunnel of light, of life. I hear Him calling me, telling me to turn, to look to trust in Him, my Savior, the lover of my soul. I'm hanging on to the hem of His garment, grabbing a fist full and I'm not letting go.

Humility

I thought I was humble. I do what's asked of me at work, at home I cook, clean, take care of my husband and kids. I go to church on Wednesday evenings even though I'm really tired and have to rush to get there. Isn't that being humble?

Last week someone really hurt me. I got angry, offended and hoped God would make them see how wrong they were, maybe punish them a little. At work there's a girl who's short with me at times, not very friendly, so I backed off and talked about her with others. Another person didn't believe what I told them as an instructor and said they'd find out for themselves, so I got mad.

Then, a revelation...people are not going to act the way I think they should...ever. And they have reasons for acting the way they do that has NOTHING to do with me personally. Like the girl at work. I found out when she was younger her older sister was murdered and her parents clung to her, not letting her out of their sight (understandably). She doesn't know how to relate to people because she was so sheltered. The other person is in danger of losing their job and they are terrified, they want to make sure they are doing everything correctly, but its based out of their fears.

Jesus said in Matthew 5:2 that those who are poor in spirit (who don't consider themselves) are blessed. Brendan Manning, in his book, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus, says that to practice humility or poverty of spirit calls us not to be offended or sensitive to criticism. We need to give up our obsession to our own rights our need to look good in front of others. That if I follow the counsel of Jesus, and take last place, I won't be shocked when others put me there.

Lord, help me to see people with your heart. Not with my preconceived judgements, but with Your compassion. Remove the log from my eye that i may see others the way You see them.

Two Masters

I had to give a presentation in front of a group of people yesterday. There were two people in the back of the room who were grading my presentation. It is pass or fail. If you fail, you lose your job, something they neglected to tell me when they promoted me.

You know what I did? I laid down and let fear consume me. It choked me, made my heart beat faster, caused my mouth to be so dry I could barely speak. It kept telling me, "Give up, you can't do this..." first in a whisper, then in shouts. I made it through my presentation, in torment of how I did, going over and over the places I made mistakes, and let the fear and anxiety remain there at the pit of my stomach.

This morning I was sure I failed. I had to force myself to read my bible. (why is that?) The Lord reminded me that no man can serve two masters, he will hate one and love the other and that His blessings make rich and they add no sorrow to it. When I interviewed for this job, I had to do a presentation. The difference between this one and the first one was I prayed, sought God, and had His peace. I was confident in Him that He would help me.I got the job. They told me later I did an outstanding job on the interview. This time I stumbled through it even though I knew the material and prepared for it. I want God to be my Master, whom I serve, not fear. Such a better way to lay in my Father's arms and trust in Him. Why do I fight Him so?

Today I make the choice, that no matter what happens, I'm gonna trust in God, trust in Jesus. Without fear and without shame. I'm gonna keep my eyes on the one who loves me.

Hurt

Sometimes hurt comes up from behind and sucker punches you. You crumple to the floor, gasping and it gives you a little kick. Just when you think you can't take it anymore, it grabs your hair and pulls...really hard.

It happened to me this past week and just as I swore I wouldn't let myself be hurt anymore, it came in for a second round. At first I laid there. But then something rose up in me. I got up and I cried, "Jesus." I called on His name. And the most amazing thing happened. His peace came. I could feel His love. He knocked the hurt back and away. Thank you Jesus. He's the only one who won't disappoint, He's always faithful.

Enjoy

I don't know about you, but I'm the type of person who focuses on the negative instead of the positive. I've been asking the Lord to quicken it in my spirit when I do this. Jesus didn't go through His short life dreading the cross. Hebrews 12:2 states that Jesus, for the joy of obtaining the prize, endured the cross. So Jesus had joy in His life, despite what He was going to face.

I have so much to be thankful for. Why is it in my nature to gripe and complain? I want to know the Lord in such a way that I continually turn to Him, not focusing on my circumstances.

Lord, this is the day you've made. I'll never have it again. I can face life without dread because of You. May Your joy be my strength. May I enjoy this day to the fullest because it's a gift from You.

Tired

I am tired of trying to fix things. I've tried to fix my kids all their lives, and they've resisted my every effort. My husband, Mark, told me that at church last Wednesday, our Pastor talked about laying our loved ones on the altar. Mark said that was what he was going to do, lay our kids on the altar. These past two weeks have been a real test and every time I ask Mark, "What should we do?" His answer is, "I've laid them on the altar."

Well, that's easy for him to say. Or is it? Do I worship fear and my own abilities, rather than worshipping God? The message on Sunday was on I Samuel 5:1-5, where the Philistines captured the Ark of the God and put it in the temple of their idol, Dagon. When they went to see it, Dagon had fallen with his face to the ground in front of the Ark of the Lord. So they put Dagon back up, but when they came the next morning, they found Dagon with his head and hands cut off, his trunk lying at the threshold of the temple. Our Pastor said that no matter what work of darkness is opposing us, God is not threatened, His power isn't diminished. He confronts my enemies for me.

Lord, I lay all my fears at the altar. I cry out to you, deliver me! Forgive me where I've believed my way was best. Bring your truth into every situation.

The feet

I was watching my friend Cathy, dancing with her father at a wedding. She was grinning at him while they danced and it brought back memories.

When I was little, we would go to my grandmother's house. She was my dad's mother and they all loved to dance. By they, I mean she and her two sisters and their husbands, and my parents. I remember many evenings pushing back the rug in the basement, turning the stereo up, and everyone would dance. The space was limited with so many people and there was much joking and laughter as they bumped into each other. My most favorite part was when I got to dance with my dad. When I was really little, he'd place my feet on top of his feet and we'd glide around the room, dipping and turning in time to the music. As I got older, I'd put my hand in his and count; one, two, three, four...trying to watch my feet so I didn't get stepped on.

If my earthly father placed my feet on his to teach me my first dance steps, doesn't my Heavenly Father do this as well? On my first tentative dances as a Christian, I know He carried me. Right now I think I'm in the process of counting and getting my feet stepped on...A LOT! But I'm learning the moves.

Thank you Father, that all good things come from You. You know all the steps of the dance of life and You'll hold our hand while we dance through it.

A Wedding

We went to my friend's son's wedding on Saturday. It was a lovely wedding, and I know I shouldn't say this, but I will...my friend, Susan looked beautiful. When I first met her about twenty-two years ago, there was something about her that drew me. Now I know what it is. She radiates Christ. He shines out of her. Susan invited a friend from work sat her up front with the family, a place of honor. During the night, when I would catch a glimpse of the friend, there was a look on her face of pure joy, of feeling wanted...special.

Isn't that what Christ does? He grabs our hand, leading us through the obstacles, the people clamoring for attention, our failures, our sin. His eyes are always on us, His intent clear as He leads us to the place of honor, a seat at His Father's table.

Oh, what a Savior!

Time

We changed the time today, moving ahead one hour. Right now it's 7:30pm and still light out. I'm a little crabby because it was hard to sleep last night. I kept waking up, afraid we'd be late for church.

I am going to the Mount Hermon Writer's Conference in April. When I first made the decision to go last fall,I thought I'd be okay, there was plenty of time to polish my book. Before I knew it, Christmas had come and gone and it was February. No problem, I'd work on it all February every chance I got. This is March 8th and I am starting to panic because I haven't done ANY of the work I said I'd get done. So many things kept happening with work, kids, and church, the time flew by.

Where is it? Where has time gone? I remember in my youth, the long days of summer. You could go swimming, play kickball, and read a book and still have the evening stretched out before you. I wish I could learn to savor every moment, without always being rushed, always having something to do.

And yet, I find there are moments when time does stand still. When I seek the King, when I'm in His presence, time holds it's breath. Thank you Lord, my time is in Your hands.

Fear

I've waited to blog because of my fears. I'll sound stupid, or I have nothing to share, or I can't write very well. So today I decided to jump in the waters. I think I am drowning...

Today, the Lord's presence came on our church service. It made me sway, unsteady on my feet and yet it was only a breath, a moment. I didn't want to lose the feeling of His love wrapping itself around me. The service went on, was over, and we went home. The TV blared with its football games, commercials, movies. The washing machine went through loads.. and so the day went.

Lord, let me never be satisfied with just a sliver of you. I want to hunger and thirst to know you. Not keeping it for just me, but to share the wonder of You with others. Not fearing man's mocking and rejection. I want to stop running from You, torn between the desire for the world's approval and my love for You.